i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
