I faked an abortion last night.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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