All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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