I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
where are my eyebrows?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
