I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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