i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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