you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
