Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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