I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
