Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
