and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
