i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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