I look better un-naked...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
