Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
