I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
