it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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