whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
