Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
