Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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