Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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