Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
