im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
