I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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