she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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