I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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