I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
