The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
