apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
