Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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