My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
