I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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