chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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