I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
