Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize