and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
porn star boner night. come get it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
