I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
