I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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