Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
