My sheets look like a crime scene.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
