I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Acid is not a monday night drug
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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