Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
