she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Who died my cat blue again?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
