I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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