I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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