i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
