Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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