Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
