I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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