You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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