I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
