I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
