well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
