Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
