i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
