The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
