Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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