im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
